48 hours

Thursday afternoon I loaded my snowboard gear into my wagon, picked up my two friends and started the 6 hour drive to Big White in Kelowna.

The significance of this moment? It is the first snowboarding road trip I've taken in at least 5 years.

we used to go all the time during winter...
we used to chase the snow...
we used to fly...

I know. I haven't forgotten those moments.

I just chose poorly.
I didn't understand.
I didn't choose you.

We arrived under the veil of night, found our lodgings and I promptly crashed asleep.

The next morning I popped my eyes open at 7:15am and I could feel his anticipation! Looking out the window to see what the cloud cover looks like, deciding which goggles to use, making a mental map of what runs to do.

I haven't felt this is a long, long time.

let's go...

I wash the sleep out of my eyes, have a light breakfast and gear up.

let’s go…

Exit our building, strap on the board and head down to the ticket center to get a day pass.

let’s go…

As I look at the groomed run, I notice that it was coated with a few inches of fresh powder.
And it was untouched!
I step onto the run, pick up speed and just let the board go.

finally!

We warp down to the bottom, get the pass and get onto the chairlift. A few minutes later we get to the top, there is no one around, so we just go hell bent.

time to fly…

Time to fly indeed. Floating on a cushion of powder on a perfectly smooth blue.
Faster and faster.
It was exhilarating to feel the cold wind burn my cheeks.

do you remember…

I do.
I crack a smile as we raced to the bottom and walked right back onto the chairlift.
Now to go find the powder!

And I didn’t have to look very far.
In the trees, on the blacks and double blacks.
The steeper the run, the deeper the powder was.

I didn’t think and just let little Winston pilot the meat suit.
I didn’t resist and let the board go.
Feeling the pull of gravity, feeling the shift in momentum, feeling the flow.

stop resisting…
trust me…
feel the flow…

At the bottom of the 4th run I paused and I could hear him squeal in delight.
As we attacked the 5th run I could see the glimmer in his eyes.
As we finished the 6th run I saw the grin on his face and cracked one myself.

I then realized I lied earlier.
I thought I did remember, but I was mistaken.
I had forgotten how much magic we can make, how we could slow down time itself and exist in the moment.

Just you and I.

I’ve been waiting for you…
to remember…
to feel again…

As I stood there catching my breath, I could feel the adrenaline hit, I could feel my heart beat.
That was when I realized just how disconnected from him I was and for how long.
In a few seconds I got to relive just how shitty my life was and then everything up to this moment.

I know I gave up my passion when I started my business, but I was not aware of the collateral damage.
I know it was a choice I made, and I look back at my old self with compassion as I know to the pain I was in.
I know I also made a choice to stop, because I didn’t want to die.

Little did I know I was already dead inside.

In the last 48 hours I got to rekindle the spark and feel passion bloom. Then burn bright as if I poured rocket fuel onto it.

you have been saying you wanted to feel alive…

Contrast. Again. I’m getting pretty good at understanding this lesson now.

#chasingbutterflies