5 years

You can't keep going like this! If you don't change, you are going to be dead within the next 5 years.

These are the words I said to the man in the mirror that Friday morning on May 3, 2013.

I just limped home from yet another all night bender, which was a continuation of the one I took part in on Wednesday night.

My world was falling apart as I couldn't deal with the pressure I put upon myself to succeed. I recently broke up with my fiancée as I couldn't deal with the guilt and the shame of this failure. I couldn't keep juggling the masks in order to keep the illusion that everything was OK.

I don't even know how long have I been running back then.

10 years?

Maybe 15?

I was tired.

I was in pain.

The only thing I could do right was numb myself.

I close my eyes and reflect.

I warp back to that moment 5 years ago.

In the bathroom, I splashed cold water on my face, stared at my reflection and heard the faintest whisper.

I don't want to die...

As fucked up as I was that morning, the fear of Death is one hell of a motivator and snapped me into a moment of clarity.

I had to make a choice.

If I continued on this path of destruction, it was not IF I was going to die, it was a only a matter of WHEN.

Or change.

The choice should have been simple right? Not so much.

Change meant I had to face my demons.

I felt sick just thinking about it.

I felt so alone just thinking about it.

As numb as I was, that last statement stung my heart.

It hurt.

I let out a sigh as I believed it to be true.

No one would understand.

No one would care.

No one would help a loser like me.

Why would they?

I was very disconnected from little Winston back then, as I abandoned him many years ago and I never looked back.

but I never gave up on you...

Somehow I found the courage to reach out to someone and asked him for help, fully expecting to hear "No".

but he didn't...

So I walked over to meet him, explained my situation and asked him to hold me accountable, as I just didn't want to exist like this anymore.

The truth was I was scared and didn't want to die.

Unbeknownst to me, that was when I started walking my path. It began by going to Wuji Systems to train, to get my broken body healthy again.

And this was hard to do. VERY hard.

The monkey didn't want anything to do with this decision to change. It was happiest when I was drinking and indulging, when I was blissfully numb. So it would try to sabotage me by trying to convince me to sleep in, to call in and cancel, to distract me with tasks in order to make me arrive late to class.

but someone believed in you...

Yes. I could't believe it myself, but my friend believed in me.

He kept his word and held me accountable. He would call and wake me up, come over and drag my ass to the gym if needed, but he was not going to let me miss a class.

The monkey hated him for his persistence and I'll admit I at times did too.

I new this was not going to be easy.

I knew I would fall.

I would relapse, but I picked myself up and kept moving forward.

But one day at a time, one step at a time, I made progress.

A week turned into a month.

Months turned into a year.

Then 2 years.

3 years.

4 years.

And today, 5 years.

This morning I stood in the same physical space as I did that Friday 5 years ago, but the man I see in the mirror is totally different. Unrecognizable.

I used to be someone afraid of his demons, running from his past and his shadow.

I have done and continue to do the work, fought my way through the darkness to find little Winston and gave myself a chance to become whole again.

I now slay my demons, understand that my past does not define me, I can face my shadow and embrace it.

For all of this is me.

ALL

OF

IT!

5 years ago I had nothing.

No vision, no purpose, no value.

I was just killing myself slowly.

Now I have found my purpose, I uncovered my gift and now serve others with the intention of helping them find their key to set themselves free.

I am proud of you...

I am proud of me too.

#chasingbutterflies