732

Today marks 732 days since I gave up alcohol.

In some ways it was easier than I expected, in others it brought up sensations I never knew existed.

One thing is for sure... it allowed me to heal.

But what does that mean?

Well there are so many facets to this answer, but over time I was able to physically, emotionally and spiritually get things back in order.

As I stopped numbing my mind and poisoning my soul, I gave myself a chance to heal. To feel. This was something I was quite scared of.

I did quite a bit of reflection as 2019 came to an end.

Thought about all of the experiences I was presented with.

Thought about all of the emotions I was presented with.

Thought about the fact I let myself live.

One thing did seem to appear quite often, yet I was not able to put a finger on it until a couple of days ago.

For most of 2019 I was "chasing a feeling".

chasing a feeling...

Yes. You know very well what I mean.

My friend Shenan brought this phrase to my awareness when I shared my experience of Feather with him. He said I was chasing a feeling and that it was an impossible task.

This was many months ago, yet it popped back into my head now. I guess the Universe wanted me to learn, to feel, what "chasing a feeling" means so I spent a better part of last year doing so.

wanted you to learn...

I see the lesson presented to me.

I see how I chose to tackle it.

I now understand deeply.

Emotions are powerful and I see the trap they present.

Trying to recreate, relive moments from the past.

Chasing after them again and again.

Only realizing now how futile that is.

I made the emotion my narrative.

Focused so hard on finding a way to recreate the magic.

Focused so hard that I ignored everything else.

I killed any chance of new possibilities.

New experiences were on hold.

new experiences were on hold...

Feather taught me that experiences come to us, we catch them, enjoy them and then let them go so the next one can come. The mistake is when we hold onto one, as that prevents the next one from coming.

I thought I could play the Universe by letting go a little bit. By telling myself "I let go" in some attempt to convince the power cosmic to smile upon me.

I see now how childlike my ruse was.

But a year later I also understand why.

I've never felt anything like that before and part of me believed that I would never feel it again.

So I desperately clung onto that moment with a death grip.

What I failed to understand at that exact moment was this... I only got to experience all of those special moments because I created space for them. I let go of a bunch of other things and let the current of experiences flow again.

Emotions are powerful and I fell into the trap.

I didn't let go.

didn't let go...

Every experience is special.

Every experience is unique.

Every experience we have is once in a lifetime.

So be present to these moments as they will never happen again.

This is what has taken me a year to understand.

The noise of the world is here to distract us from the beauty that is presented to us.

It tells us that we don't have any time.

That we will be late.

That there is somewhere else we need to get to.

Have to avoid the traffic.

Can't talk right now.

Must eat while we get there.

Rushing.

Texting.

Avoiding eye contact.

Must do.

Must go.

Tick

Tock.

We made ourselves a slave to a clock.

When all we have to do is just be present.

Just have to focus on the now.

And be.

#chasingbutterflies