attachment

I've spent the last few days pondering about the situation I find myself in, aware of the good and bad thoughts that are coming up, processing the associated emotions and feeling them for what they are for the first time, now that I have an increased emotional spectrum.

So what happened? Well... the plan I put together didn't play out as expected.

no it didn't play out at all...

And it sucks.

Familiar dark emotions like panic, anxiety and fear feel exhilaratingly new now that I'm not numbing myself, however, I feel the full effect of the gut punch.

I've fallen back to old habits like playing small, withdrawing and isolating myself vs. being brave and facing the uncertain future in full stride.

5 days I've been trapped in my own mind and struggling to see that there are other options available, yet I find myself dragging my ass and not taking any action.

It's taken 5 days for me to work through the dark muck, then take a few steps back to get a better perspective of what I am up against. My old dysfunctional friends shame and attachment.

Shame is telling me "You never deserved it in the first place", that "You are the root cause of all of this" and "If you didn't screw up so many times, none of this would have happened".

I feel the sting from the whip of these words.

I feel little Winston curl up into a ball, close his eyes and wish the world away.

I feel our connection start to break as I see the faint glow of him float into the darkness. Helpless. Fading.

what do you want...

As I said there are other options, there is a Plan B. This exit plan requires liquidating assets and while it makes logical sense, the resistance I encounter due to attachment to these material items is fierce.

And I'm scared.

I'm scared to walk away from everything I built to start all over again.

but you already have...

can't you see...

I'm not going to lie. I sat here for a few hours contemplating these words before I became aware as to what he was referring to.

you are looking the wrong way...

I've been looking at my external world for answers, when I should have looked inside me instead.

I have walked away from everything I built, in this case the dysfunctional world I created over most of my life.

I chose to walk away from everything and everyone I knew just to start all over again.

what do you want...

I remember.

I want to be free.

Now I can see what you mean.

It's taken me years to let go of these dysfunctional beliefs, of these "absolute laws" that I held onto so tight, but when I did the chains that bound me to that dark space started to break.

These beliefs were very much my old self and focused on money and personal gain. I ended up attaching my self-worth to these investments and assets, to something external.

This was a blind spot that only now can I see as to why I am stuck.

I can't move forward any further as I'm holding on with a death grip to this chain from my past. And as I hold on to this chain I see little Winston slowly drift further away into the dark space.

what do you want...

This moment is becoming melodramatic.

The turbulent emotions I feel are very real.

I'm not going back to that old world.

I'm not!

what do you want...

I close my eyes and feel the pressure of a thousand butterflies grow in my chest.

Anxiety.

Fear.

Panic.

trust...

faith...

courage...

I choose to be free.

I choose you!

I choose to let go of this chain.

I open my eyes and my heart skips a beat as I see a vision of my old self falling into the abyss.

#chasingbutterflies