boxing day

Today I've been reflecting back upon what happened the last few days, and then to the conversations at the family Christmas dinner last night.

Something was different this time.

I could feel it.

It wasn't an uncomfortable feeling. If I had to describe it, it felt like an itch that I couldn't scratch.

I felt like I didn't fit in.
And this was odd as I am surrounded by family.
But I couldn't shake this feeling.

Previous years I would engage, interact... be gregarious. This time I just stood back and observed.

Curious.
Aware.
Present.

present...

"It wasn't an uncomfortable feeling."

Feeling... or I should say the lack of being triggered.

That is what is different! I'm not getting triggered.

Not flaring up because of Mom, not rolling my eyes at comments from relatives, I'm not being triggered at all... or at least I'm not reacting to them.

This is why it feels different, because I'm reacting totally different.

For the first time in my adult life I was being 'me' at Christmas.

Not putting on a mask.
authentic...
Not trying to be something that I am not.
genuine..
Not trying to fit in.

real...

Real.

Because I don't fit in.
I never have.
I'm an orange in a land of apples.

It's taken a long time, but I am finally OK with this.

What a gift!

#chasingbutterflies