choices

I've felt like a fraud, an imposter, a fool, a teacher, a visionary, an inventor, a lost soul.

That's all in the last 24 hours.

I can't shake these echos that reverb in my mind.

I decide to rip up to Squamish to test out the repairs I did on the bike. The rush of the wind helps me be in the moment, to forget about everything for a little while.

I park at the coffee shop, get my drink and sit outside.

Then I felt very alone.

I see people on vacation.
I see people going to places to be together.
I see people doing things together.

I don't remember the last time I did such things.

don't remember the last time you did such things...

I toss the coffee and get back on the bike. The ride home helps me forget about everything for a little while.

for a little while...

Yeah.

When I open the door, Kismet is happy to see me. I quickly change out of my gear and decide we will go for a long walk. This will be a good way to get some fresh air.

As we walk a few blocks, I quickly learn this is also a good way to get triggered... as I saw the world starting off a Saturday night.

I saw a trio of guys chat and laugh, as they carried their beers to their destination in anticipation for the night to begin.

I see groups line up to get into places I used to frequent.

I see people talking, laughing, smiling in restaurants I used to go to.

The memories of the past comes in waves... hard and fast.

Then the emotional sucker punch lands.
I sigh and keep walking.
Then the whispers come.

"what happened to you?"
"where did everyone go?"
"you did this you know!"

Visceral emotional landscapes are thrown at me.
I relive moments of my past.
I become aware that this is a test.

The memories keep coming.
Relentless.
I can hear the monkey howl.

I stop walking and look up.
I see the world... feel a world.
A world that I just don't fit into.

you just don't fit into...

I feel alone, but I don't feel the loneliness though.
This is different.
It was then I think 'no one invites me out anymore.'

Hell... I don't go out anymore.
OK. I admit that I don't even know where to go.
A wave of sadness hits.

don't even know where to go...

Wait!

I just realized that my last thought was not true.
I've been invited out.
Only last night did it happen!

I didn't accept because I knew what that invitation entailed. I chose not to put myself in such a space.

chose not to put myself in such a space...

No. I chose to be alone than to be tempted to jump down a rabbit hole.

I chose me!

chose me...

Yes! I chose US!

Then I think back and remember the other invitations which I declined.

Again I chose me.
I mean I chose US.

But I also chose to focus on the fact that I'm all alone, while the world is having fun.

while the world is having fun...

Well that's my assumption.
Seeing what normal people do on a Saturday night.
My version of fun back then was far from normal.

I keep looking for something to do in my old dysfunctional world.
I see now that I'm not going to find anything that resonates with me.
I'm looking for Oranges in the land of Apples.

looking for something...
not going to find anything...
looking for oranges...

I just realized that I haven't made much effort to leave this old space.
As much as I have said I have, I'm still here.

I also haven't made much effort to explore the new space either.

Now I understand why I am stuck.

#chasingbutterflies