chosen

In the last few days a few random opportunities popped up and only now do I see that they all have a common thread.

To be chosen.

Just thinking these words brings up a wave of old memories and emotions, none of which are pleasant.

I relive the moments back in school where for as long as I can remember I just wished to be picked first, then delegated myself to be picked within the first 10 people… then 20… then 30… then as time moved on I gave up. Selection by alphabetical sorting didn’t help me either, as I was blessed with a first and last name starting with a letter at the end of the alphabet.

As the kids got sorted into teams, groups, whatever… there I was left standing.

Waiting.

Wishing.

that’s when it all began…

Years of this paired with negative conditioning from “ethnic traditions”, family and society values definitely had an effect, as in my adult years I overcompensated to “give myself an advantage” since no one would ever choose me for just who I am.

That’s when the whispers started.
The slow drip that just broke my fledgling self-esteem.

“You aren’t good enough!”
“You want to be picked first?!?”
“Who do you think you are?”
“What qualifications do you have?”
“Be a man and suck it up!”

Minute by minute.
Hour by hour.
Day by day.

Repeat.
Brainwashed.
Believe.

Without anyone to stop the cycle, without any guidance or support, without any way to express, I just believed this is how my life is. And I hated it.

So I became more. Much more.

that’s when you left me behind…
because you didn’t want to feel any more…
you never let anyone in again…

I made a decision that no one would ever look down at me ever again.
I don’t need their pity, sympathy or support.
I don’t need anyone.

I pushed back hard against the world and raced towards success. Made sure everyone knew how much money I was making, how I had the toys, the beautiful girlfriend, the status, the access.

I did not know this was a dysfunctional cycle that could never end, as there is always more.

But I would die trying.
And I almost did just that.
Die.

I snap out of my trance and refocus on the walk I am on this morning with Kismet. That’s when I saw the connection between all of these events that popped up.

what did you see…

In all of these instances, people were reaching out to me and I thought they just wanted to connect.

What I didn’t see was they chose me.

They chose this new version of me.

And all of the conditioning from my past is still there, active, working. I could feel the deflections happen, as I worded replies to give them the chance to change their mind, because I never believed anyone would ever choose me for me.

but you are wrong…
it already happened…
can’t you see…

And just as I hear his words I see Kismet look at me.
At this one perfect moment of clarity I did see.
I have already been chosen.

Kismet chose me.

Back on that fateful day on November 23rd when she popped up her head, caught my attention, licked my nose and then the course of my life changed forever.

you let something in…
something you wanted for so long…

From all the work I have done, to walk through my hell and back to be free, I was able to break down the walls that I built to let something in.

I let a heartbeat in.
I let unconditional love in.
And it started to grow.

Kismet chose me for who I am and from her I have learned so much, especially the joy she gives to people and all she is doing is being just who she is. Nothing more.

and what is that…

Authenticity.

I have shed my old self a few months ago on my path, but the memories will always remain.
I see now that I don’t need to be anything more than my true self.
I don’t need to prove to the world anything, for I am everything I need to be.

Now I understand.
This is what people are seeing.
When they choose me.

#chasingbutterflies