comparisonitis

This has been a rough week.

I started it off by getting hit by a sack of the blues on Monday morning, and then got triggered when I saw an old friend mentioned in a LinkedIn email.

An old friend that I met 30 years ago at university in an English class.

An old friend who became very wealthy and successful.

An old friend who I instantly compared myself against.

I compared my entrepreneurial attempts against his successes.
I compared what I have done against what he has achieved.
I compared how I am trying to come up with $80,000 against his millions in the bank.

This sent me down a rabbit hole and I kept falling for a couple of days. I fell victim to the stories that awoken from my fall. I was trapped inside my head.

I questioned everything I've done. My choices that got me to where I am right now. I feel like a fraud. A loser.

I am aware of how brutally I am choosing to judge myself, but I don't stop and choose to fall into some very dark spaces.

I shared my situation with those in my circle, they reached out to help any way they can to snap me out of this space.

To get unstuck.

But I couldn't see the moment that caused this slide.
I couldn't feel what happened.
I just felt numb.

Today my friend offered to guide me and see if she could help me make a shift.

As I floated to where the pain was in my body, all I could see was a black hole floating in front of me. I couldn't do anything with it. It was just looking at me.

This was a start at least.
And from there events started to unfold.
A couple of hours later, I was asked if I could help pick someone up from the hospital.

I quickly replied "No problem!" and headed out.

I arrived to the hospital and was waiting outside, when I felt a nudge to check my Facebook notifications on my phone, which led me to scroll past an ad, then a nudge for me to scroll back to it.

And then I clicked the link.

This lead me to a page titled "The Amazing Son in Law Charlie Wade."

Now I'm not one to follow sponsored ads, never mind read the copy of whatever they are trying to sell, however, I was compelled to read what was on my screen.

Chapter 1... I begin to understand that this is a story about money, status and societal class.

Chapter 2... 3,4,5,6...

Chapter 10... 20...

I can't stop reading as I feel very deep, old wounds being touched and feel pain, angst and resentment bubble as I can relate with the abusive situations that are described.

Chapter 60...

What I read in this chapter snapped me out of my rabbit hole, as I became clear as to what triggered me.

If money is important, no one would give such expensive things.

I realized that it wasn't something that happened on Monday, but has been festering for a while now... it began when I took a hard look at how much to charge for what I do.

It all started when I focused on money.

I focused on money.
I focused on my lack of it.
I focused on how I squandered a fortune chasing after dreams.

I focused on all of my failures.
All that money lost trying to change the world.
All of that time.

Following the nudges brought me to this random story.

Reading it reminded me of who I used to be, and how far out of alignment I went after comparing myself to my friend using old measuring sticks, status and wealth.

Focusing on my past distracted me, made me forget what is important.

Helping drive someone home from the hospital reminded me.
Reminded me of what is important to me.
And it's not money.

It's helping others.
It's creating change.
It's having an impact.

It's giving.

#chasingbutterflies