Contrast

Life will test you and keep bringing a certain situation up over and over again until you learn the lesson.

In the past few weeks I have been tested, I have failed, I thought I have learned from that experience, been tested again, I have failed, repeat.

Recently I have been made aware that some lessons are about contrast, to show me what I like, what I align with, what elevates me to the next level and also show me examples what does not.

Only when one listens, can one see.

I've been blind for most of my life, disconnected from myself. I couldn't listen because I didn't know there was anyone speaking. As I have started to reconnect with myself, started meditating to help calm down the storm in my mind, to allow me to engage in conversation with the child inside me.

I was tested again last weekend, which I failed again as I chose to experience another alcoholic bender. Afterwards I hear this whisper in my head...

"is this what you want?"

My mind then snaps back in time, I see my father in front of me and he asks "tell me... what do you want?" and I feel the young version of myself withdraw, grow very small as I was scared to answer him. Why? Because I didn't have an answer. I didn't know what I wanted.

Then I realized that nothing has changed. After all these years, after all of these retests, I still do not know what I want.

But this time I am aware of what I don't want. I don't want to deal with the hangovers anymore, losing precious time recovering from a decision that was really just falling back to old behaviour patterns.

I close my eyes and see little Winston hiding in a dark corner, falling back to his old behaviour patterns as he is just trying to protect himself. Trying to survive.

Then I understand. I see the lesson. He is testing me and I have failed again and again. I asked for his trust, to reconnect and walk this path together yet I keep falling back to my old habits. I keep abandoning him. Then my heart skips a beat when I realize that he never gave up on me. He kept trying, hoping one day I'd wake up and get it. To choose differently, to choose higher.

"Awareness, choice, different results."

I still do not know what I want, however, I now know what I don't want. With this awareness I can setup new boundaries and this puts me one step closer to passing the next test.

#chasingbutterflies