crack in the illusion

I've been thinking a lot about Natalia's suggestion that I reach out to my old friend. About asking him to mentor me. I feel shame when I replay her words in my mind. The comparisonitis that bloomed, which I spent the last few days resolving.

Little Winston replays part of my conversation when I first met Feather. I reflect on that moment I expressed to her, how I held my breath and felt that the world was going to end.

But it didn't.

Now I see a crack in the illusion. A break in this story that is running. That I fabricated the end result that I didn't want and then chose to believe it was true.

The key part of this is "I fabricated".

I understand that we often go to worst case scenarios. But I often attribute that to fear of rejection, self worth and shame.

But I just consciously saw it happen and I was able to pause it. Interrupt the sequence.

This allowed me to see if for what it is BEFORE any emotions were triggered. It was still 2D before becoming 3D.

I just flipped through a bunch of memories where I regretted not doing anything. Not speaking my heart. Too afraid of being rejected.

I look back at my younger self and see so much pain. This desire to connect and be accepted, yet this overwhelming fear of being rejected, ridiculed and judged.

This is where I turned to alcohol to help dull these feelings, but that still didn't mean I found the courage to step forward.

It just numbed the pain of not doing so.

I've lived too much of the first half of my life in regret. The oppourtunities I missed flip by in my mind as I write this, but the sting of disappointment I felt before isn't the same. It is fading.

I now see the choices I made laid in front of me.

I keep choosing to spend time holding onto who I used to be, or who I could have been, instead of celebrating who I am now.

Comparing my failures against other people's successes instead of acknowledging and congratulating myself and all my facets for making it this far.

Undoing this conditioning will take time and a lot of work, but today I saw the first crack and have already felt a shift.

Now I look forward to seeing how things unfold from here.

#chasingbutterflies