distracted

It’s been a couple of weeks since my last entry and I have felt disconnected, as I glance over the entry I see that I am still in this space.

Still floating.

Adrift.

Lost.

distracted…

Yes. Distracted.

I had an urge to get out of the house, so I went on a midnight walk with Kismet and breathing in the cold air soothed my mind. I walked by familiar buildings and as expected, I get triggered and see echoes from my past. Some echoes are new and some are very old.

I whisper “why here? why now?” and little Winston bombards me with images in rapid sequence. I had to stop walking as it was disorienting.

“I think back over the last few weeks and I see it now.

So focused on everything but him.

All work, no play.

I fell back into old habits and started drifting away. Disconnecting not by choice, but by focusing too much on things external. Even though I was giving myself 'me time', I didn't include him as part of it.”

Focusing too much on things external.

Shit.

I’m still doing it and was blind to the fact.

OK.

That’s not true.

I was aware it was happening.

I heard your voice and I chose not to listen.

I ignored you.

I was distracted.

When I tried to go for a run this evening and barely made it a few kilometers before stopping. I could feel you… well the lack of you being there with me.

Afterwards I reached out to my past and that should have been a big red flag that something is wrong. As innocently as I framed these actions in order to justify it to myself, the intention is the same.

what do you want…

I don’t know.

you do know…

what are you afraid of…

I’m afraid of what is coming.

#chasingbutterflies