doubt

As I walk through the crowd leaving the arena on the way home, I feel their energy... I hear their chatter as they decide what to do next.

"what bar are we meeting up at?"

"it's raining hard... where are they going to pick us up?"

"let go get some drinks before the get back to the room."

I get to feel another Saturday night begin.

another Saturday night begin...

This time it feels different.

The chatter I hear, but it doesn't trigger me.

I let out a sigh and understand that the invitations to make me "feel included" won't be coming, as I walked away from this world.

No one is going to be reaching out.

This morning was an invitation to connect with people from the new world. People that have chosen to do the work and be vulnerable, authentic and real.

I am not saying the people out tonight are not, but I have not experienced connection with anyone from that old space.

As I process these thoughts I have a moment of clarity. I feel the lump in my throat grow and push past it to voice the truth.

what do you see...

I am scared.

I fear where I am going.

I fear what I am going to become.

I fear what the uncertain future holds for me.

Then a dark wave washes over me, as I choose to stand and not run.

and not run...

I'm not believing... trusting that it is going to work out.

I still carry doubt.

And it is this doubt that is paralyzing me.

#chasingbutterflies