driftwood

I've been stuck in my mind for the last 10 days.

Trying to sort things out, getting things in order to launch into 2019... and the fuse fizzled out.

There was no launch.

Instead there was a battle that rolled into the New Year.

I've fought with depression many times in my past, or so I believed, as I would turn to a drink to help numb the whispers away.

Unfortunately I do not have that option now, as I chose to keep my 2018 resolution to abstain from alcohol. So this is the first time I enter the arena with a full emotional spectrum, first time I truly get to feel and process this shitstorm.

And it isn't fun.

The swings from one side of the emotional spectrum to the other are intense.

Blissful joy seeing my newborn niece.

Totally anti-social and don't want to be around anyone.

Happiness when I connect with a dear friend.

Staring like a zombie at the beautiful, sunny sky outside.

Unfortunately these swings tend to stay much longer in the realm of suck than at the other end.

The whispers are deafening.

Guilt and shame choke the life out of me when I think about reaching out for help.

So in the darkness I sit.

in the darkness you sit...

This can't last forever!

It will eventually end... right?

Last night as I try to sleep, I am bombarded of memories from 20 years ago.

I whisper "Why are you showing me this? I'm not that person any more... I was in so much pain back then."

I shed a tear as I relive these moments as I am too tired to stop them... so much pain.

this can't last forever...

No it can't.

But I don't understand why this is happening right now.

Why is my will being tested?

I'll admit I've had thoughts about it.

So easy to just say "Yes" and numb all of this out.

Just so easy.

But then I lose and the monkey wins.

I didn't crawl through hell just to give up now.

in the darkness you sit...

I remember the gift a speaker gave me and I went to go find it, as I remembered some of the words he shared on my stage last month.

Found the bottle and inside is a pen with a letter wrapped around it. The words gave me solace and I reminded myself of my vision, why I choose to do what I do.

And with this spark of inspiration I choose to have a "good day" and share with you the passage Trevor Neuman shared on stage, so if you also feel stuck, understand that we are not alone.

Depression can leave you feeling empty, alone and without purpose as if you were a piece of driftwood. On bad days, you float aimlessly across the water with no land in sight. Waves crash on top of you, the force of the water pushes you below the surface and holds you there making it difficult, if not impossible to catch your breath. On good days, a gentle wind can direct you towards the shore and push you up onto the beach, high enough, where the waves are unable to grab you and drag you back in. If you land on the right beach, someone may pick you up and offer you the tools needed to apply meaningful change. It isn’t easy, and it takes effort, but like this driftwood pen, with all of its knots and weathered imperfections, you can re-discover the value and beauty you present to the world.

#chasingbutterflies