echoes

On my walk this morning with Kismet, I let my mind wander and it drifted to images from my past as I got triggered from walking past certain buildings along the way.

I see certain people, see the spaces we occupied and I got to feel it all again. But this time with a much wider emotional spectrum.

These echoes from the past used to haunt me, made me reminisce of the good times during that dark period of my life.

what do you see...

Memories of parties, friends, girlfriends, drinking, music, the dimly lit rooms I chose to hide in.

Memories of escaping are what these are.

I made a decision 2 weeks ago and the amount of shifting that has happened since then has been mind boggling, exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.

I made a decision to let go, to walk away, and this morning the monkey wants me to remember of how life used to be.

Comfortable.
Fleeting.
Numb.

While dealing with the gratitude hangover from the show on Monday, I have had a lot of time to process and the monkey has had a lot of time to work on picking the lock to get free.

These memories it has chosen had definitely caught my attention.

what do you see...

As we walk by the waterfront I remember her, I see her face, I replay the short period of time we were together.

As we keep walking my thoughts drift to her embrace... she was so beautiful.

but you didn't believe...
that someone like that...
could have chosen you...

No I couldn't.

I stop and close my eyes.
I see her so clearly.
I also feel the insecurity grow inside of me.

Like a weed.

We would go out to be seen.
No. I would take her out to be seen.
To show to the world what I have.

Because I believed this made me somebody. That she would fill this empty void inside of me. That she would make me happy.

But it was all an illusion.

what do you see...

That beauty is skin deep. And I thought that was enough until I found out it was not.

People told me that when they saw the two of us together that it was electric! They could see the sparks fly and we would shine so bright.

Partying, drinking, dancing, sex, numbing, recovering.

That's all we had in common.
Our connection was dysfunction.

I am told that things born from dysfunction can not last as they have no foundation.
They will fail.
They will end.

So this did end.

what did you do...

I chose.

I wish I could say I 'chose me' and give myself a pat on the back.
But I can't.

I see right now, that she was my mirror.
That when she wanted to keep going down the rabbit hole and I backed up, she chose to keep going with or without me.

what do you see...

I see that deep down I wished that she would have chosen me.

I see that I rationalized how this ended by saying "she chose partying over me" and projecting the blame onto her, instead of taking responsibility for it myself.

Just as I chose partying over you.

That I chose to keep going down the rabbit hole with or without you.

That I chose to disconnect. For so long.

As I slowly open my eyes. Now I see.

#chasingbutterflies