external validation

took Kismet out for a walk and I was bombarded with memories of my old convertible.

I felt regret for selling her

I thought back to when I flew to Chicago to buy it
I thought about the road trip bringing her home
I thought about all the memories I made along the way

she wasn’t perfect when I first saw her. she had a few dents, the paint wasn’t perfect, but she drove great.

when I got her home I started making her perfect.

I took a mint interior from another convertible and swapped it in. I chased after water leaks and sealed them. I replaced the soft top with a new one. I found electrical gremlins and got rid of them. I found the perfect set of rare wheels in Germany and had them shipped here.

piece by piece
I made that convertible “perfect”
something to be seen!

and I took her our to be seen

she was special
so much attention to detail
all that work to make her a one of a kind machine

and when I was finished building her

it wasn’t enough

so I purchased another car
to make that one even more unique
I slowly started forgetting the convertible

only now do I see why

do i see why…

yeah.
I was pretty blind back then
I never appreciated that car for what it was

it treated it as an accessory
something to be seen in
I remember one summer day swapping cars just to take the convertible

because I knew it would be cooler to be seen pulling up to the event in her

attention
acknowledgement
praise

seeking everything external in order to validate who I am

and when these things started to fade
I chased after it
like an addict

looking back now I see the dysfunctional cycle that I created, in order to fill this emptiness I had within.

this emptiness…

it’s a sickening feeling
it’s a hunger that ate away inside me
it’s something I didn’t know how to fix

then I thought about why I sold her

why I sold her…

that car was perfect

she looked great
ran on regular gas
handled like a go-kart

and the feeling of the sun on your face when the top is down…

I didn’t appreciate the oppourtunity I was given
I didn’t appreciate that car for what it was
I didn’t appreciate what I created

because I didn’t do any of it for me

I do now

I ride an emotional roller coaster as I flip through the memories with that car.

I’ve learned
I’ve changed
I’ve grown

and as I reflect on that beautiful machine
and the others that I have built
and let go

I understand the lesson

now I appreciate what I do for me.

#chasingbutterflies