grandfather

I was catching up with my friend Paul, sharing how this past year has been and how 2023 is going to be.

I shared my mishaps
decisions I made
outcomes I missed

oppourtunities lost.

he heard something in my voice that I was deaf to.

"I hear what you said, but listening to how you said it... how could you be kinder to yourself?"

I knew what he was referring to.

judgement
criticism
shame.

when it comes to myself... I am a vicious task master.

brutal
cruel
merciless.

the lash I wield cuts deep.

when I heard his question, the thought that came to my mind was

"how would I speak to myself if I didn't sound like Dad?"

this one hurt.

let me be clear... I don't hate my Dad.

but it is his voice
that is imprinted inside my skull
a voice that I feared growing up.

his voice a hard trigger, as I feel waves of dark emotions surface.

Paul and I continued our conversation
as I navigated this space
we spoke about

behaviours
habits
choice.

choice.

and then this thought came from my heart

"how would I speak to myself if I sounded like Grandfather?"

this one really hurt.
deeply
because I miss him so much

and he loved me.

so how would it sound...

the words wouldn't sound like they do now.

kind
caring
compassionate.

that's how the words would be wrapped
and there would be no lash
there would be a smile given instead.

as I hear his voice
as I feel the love
the shift I'm experiencing is massive.

hi Grandfather.

#chasingbutterflies