halloween

As I am walking Kismet tonight I see people dressed up and going to the hockey game or other festivities. At the street corner I overhear a conversation and they are debating the cost of alcohol… this triggered a flashback.

I warp back to moments in my past where I was at a party, event or nightclub, trying to be cool, trying to seen, trying to be acknowledged, trying to…

Trying to be somebody.

trying to be somebody…

Yes. Trying to be somebody else, as I didn’t believe anyone like me the way I am.

I look back in my minds eye and see my antics, I see the mask, the persona I put on to face the world.

The fear, anxiety, shame, the pain… I kept it all inside me and hidden behind this mask.

The problem isn’t hiding behind the mask.
No. That’s not it.
The problem was never taking off the mask.

I identified with the mask.
I became something I am not.
I disconnected with who I am.

This was the problem and I only see that now, because back then I was so lost and just trying to survive.

I see the people in costumes all around me, hiding behind a mask and being something, or someone, else for one night and tomorrow they take it off.

They take it off and reveal their usual mask.
The irony.

For so long I was afraid the show the world who I am, I tried so hard to “be somebody” and I became more and more out of alignment with my soul.

So disconnected from you.

I know…
all I could do is wait…
for you to awake…

The more I become connected with you, the more I see.
The more I see, the more disconnected I am with this old space.
I am out of alignment again, now from what I used to be.

I have taken off my mask and am now… me.

#chasingbutterflies