letting go

After becoming aware that I've been hell bent on recreating what I experienced in my last cycle, I've been giving myself lots of space to process.

As my head gets out of the fog I created, I can see more clearly how I was getting stuck. How I was falling back to old behaviour patterns. How I didn't want things to end.

A prime example is losing the My Story Mondays Instagram page.

Due to a glitch, I got logged out of the account and was unable to log back in.

This issue consumed a lot of time and energy trying to recover it in the last 4 weeks.

Only when I look at it now from a different perspective, can I see what I was doing wrong. I didn't want to lose it.

I didn't want to let it go.

what do you want...

I want that name back!

It was perfect!

It was MINE!

what do you want...

Perfection!

@mystorymondays is the perfect name.

And I lost it!

I became obsessed with getting it back.

I tried everything.

I'm not going to give up!

what do you want...

I'm not going to lose it.

I'm not going to let it go.

I'm not...

I see.

I am holding onto the past.

That's what I am doing.

Holding onto the past with a death grip.

Instead of letting go of this space and experiencing something new, I burned off hours and hours trying to recover the past.

The sick thing is that the content was not lost, as I have it all backed up, it was only the name.

I became attached to a name.

Attachment.

I've been in this space before.

I know it far too well.

That's why when it engulfed me like a warm blanket, I did not react, I did not resist.

I surrendered.

And that is when I started to slip.

There wasn't much momentum, but nonetheless, events were set in motion.

As the days passed, June 17th came closer and the cycle was coming to an end. But part of me didn't want it to end.

Part of me wanted to keep this going.

Part of me did not want to let go.

Attachment.

Looking back there were lots of red flags, but I was blind to them as I was too focused on recreating the magic.

Recreating the past.

Oblivious to the fact that there is no way I could do such a thing.

I held onto control.

That is when everything came to a stop.

what do you see...

Old patterns.

Old ways of thinking.

Old, but so comfortable.

Chasing after a feeling.

Chasing after something that "was" instead of something new.

Forgetting that I should be happy that "I got some" and not be upset because "I don't get any more".

I forgot that it was only by letting go of my past, by clearing out so much space for something new, that these unimaginable experiences came to me.

Now I remember.

As I let go of this chain that binds me, I feel my wings flutter against the wind.

#chasingbutterflies