Opening Pandora's Box

This weekend my task was to clear out space in the basement in order to move items from the garage down there. Sounded simple enough until I had to engage these boxes that I haven't touched in many years, the resistance I felt opening the first box was palpable.

Peering into this first box I see a shoebox, I pull it out, pop off the lid and see that it contained letters from the first girl I fell in love with back in university. As I read the first letter I pick up, I am triggered back to that moment in time, I relive the emotions. I feel massive compassion towards myself as I know how this relationship ends.

As I go though the letters I feel elation, crack a smile as I remember these happy moments and as I keep going through the letters my thoughts drift and my mood shifts. I close my eyes and relive a turning point in my life, the day she broke up with me at my birthday party.

The aftermath of that moment defined who I am and what I was for the next decade. When I chose to turn the lens inwards to try and figure out "what did I do wrong?" and the "what if..." scenarios would consume many years of my life and preventing me from connecting with anyone.

I'm sorry little Winston as I didn't know what to do back then. I didn't believe I had anyone to turn to for help, I was in so much pain that I did the only thing I knew I could do. I disconnected. I left you behind in that dark place because I didn't know what to do. I ran away.

I didn't know what to do...

These words echo in my mind as I opened my eyes. The compassion and empathy I feel in my heart as I see my younger self trying to figure things out, torturing myself trying to make sense of what happened while processing emotions which I was totally unprepared to experience and was taught never to show. So I suppressed these emotions, letting them simmer and fester in a dark place of my soul for a long, long time.

Three hours have since passed, I put down this box of old memories and see that there are a couple of more shoeboxes waiting. This current version of me can't help but wonder why I chose to keep dragging the past along with me for so long. This isn't the first time I moved this box when I relocated, this isn't the first time I have read these letters. I don't see the purpose in reminding myself of this pain, but then I only became aware not too long ago.

It was at this moment I chose to set aside time this Thursday night and have a ceremony to acknowledge and burn these memories from my past. To free up this very old space for new experiences.

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending

• C.S. Lewis

I choose to be free.

#chasingbutterflies