oppourtunities lost... emotions have no timeframe

by Winston

After getting inspiration to start a blog, the next thing little Winston (my inner light child) wanted to do was write a book. The desire for this was strong as I could feel him create, I saw the images he was painting which will be the basis for many daydreams.

I know there is a lot of content we could draw from the journals I have filled up, so today I dusted off and cracked open what I thought was the first one.

Opening the journal to a bookmarked page, I could feel the energetic imprint of the words on the page. I could feel the sadness, pain, loneliness. I look for the date of this entry and it is November 17, 2014 so after I came back from my Europe trip.

This couldn't be my first journal... so I flip to the front of the journal to find the date of the first entry and as I read these two words I relive the moment I wrote them...

oppourtunities lost

I know these words were much older than from 2014. Pain, shame, guilt, grief and other dark emotions saturate these pages. Although I have healed this wound, there is a scar that remains that hurts when pressed, and I pressed it hard reading this entry about losing my ex-girlfriend. Realizing exactly what I had AFTER losing her.

true love.

I close my eyes and I can see everywhere I was back then... I can see myself sitting in my livingroom and dropping the pen when I came to my realization, I can see myself being consoled by a friend, I can see myself sitting there across from her...

My ex and I met up for dinner the next day and I told her I wanted to know if I still had a chance and she was the only person with the answer and I needed to know.

I didn't want to read between the lines, didn't want to guess, I wanted to hear it from her.

My ex looks me in the eyes and says "It's over between us."

I accepted her decision and tried to tell her what I came to realize, but which I couldn't tell her the last time we were together.

She asked why I never spoke to her like that before, why I never opened up like this before?

My only reply was "People can change."

#chasingbutterflies