outdoor school

I flipped on the TV while having lunch and the movie Meatballs was on.

I've seen the movie before and enjoy its campy humour, however, this time when I saw the scene of the kids leaving one of the buildings... I got a flashback to my one and only experience at Outdoor School.

maybe all those log cabins are built the same way, but I could clearly see the inside of the dining hall, the wood tables, the benches, I could smell the scents in the air.

most of all I could feel the confusion within me.

I wanted to go play,
but I didn't know anyone.
I wanted to be liked,
but I didn't know how to connect.
I wanted to be accepted into a group,
but I didn't know what to do.
I wanted to be...

I wanted to be.

wanted to be...

I just wanted to be me, but I didn't know how. So the fear of being excluded... abandoned, kicked in hard and I just did what I could to survive.

as I watched the movie unfold I easily pick out the themes and interwoven storylines now, but I also see how easily it was to be conditioned into believing how I felt at camp was "perfectly normal".

rich kids vs. the outcasts in competition.
if you don't know, well you better figure it out fast!
if you screw up, just go isolate yourself as everyone is jeering at your mistake.
can't express your feelings for someone, out of fear of judgement and rejection.

all of these themes are normal.
all of these thoughts are normal.
if they are normal, then there must be something wrong with me.

so nothing gets expressed.
everything gets suppressed.
and this is when it begins.

this is when we weave the stories to make sense of how we feel.

creating something internal, to cope with something that happened external.

and what did we want?

well... what did I want?

what did I want...

I just wanted to belong.

that's what I learned now, from my experience at Outdoor School.

#chasingbutterflies