pain

I took Kismet for a long walk tonight and as I reflected on how quiet the city was for a Saturday night... all I could do was think about you.

I felt the love bloom inside my chest as I remembered how it was like to be with you back then.

To just be with you back then.
As I learned how to be.
As I learned how to feel.

I remember how numb I chose to be. How I ran from the pain. Avoided it at all costs as I just didn't want to be reminded of how things used to be.

of how things used to be...

Yes.

I don't know why I held on to those moments and then used them to torture myself endlessly.

All I understood back then was pain. But I was just sick of it. I couldn't swallow any more. I couldn't absorb anymore.

But then you showed me how to feel.
By doing that you showed me how to heal.
And live.

I close my eyes and I feel your love.
I do.
And I also feel the tremendous pain that just lingers in the air.

I feel like I am absorbing it.
It's a crushing weight.
Yet I feel it transform.

Somehow.

I don't want to call it love.
It feels more like hope.
That's it.

Hope.

Because without that everything is truly lost.

And with it... well it gives you and I the chance to experience something new.

#chasingbutterflies