pop up exam
I caught up with an old friend on Friday night.
Went to a top rated Italian restaurant. Walking in, hearing the sounds, smelling the food, taking in the atmosphere brought a warm shiver up my spine.
After being seated and then looking over the menu, I felt anticipation and disappointment at the same time.
Why?
Because this will be the first Italian meal I will have without wine.
My friend takes a sniff of a glass of red we has been handed, passes it to me and I take in a whiff. As the scent hits my nose I can feel my brain light up like a Christmas tree, but the desire to drink is not there and I give myself a pat on the back.
After a great dinner we head off back downtown to check out the new casino and say "Hi" to my friend who works there.
At the casino we wander around, I let life unfold and we somehow end up at the entrance of a private party, when the group in front of us insists we join them and in we go!
I find myself in my old environment. I close my eyes and feel the room. Yup. Feels exactly how I expected. Numb and dead.
As I take a sip from my soda water I observe the people, the rituals, the fake smiles, the masks, the peacocking. I realize that I was every person in that room at one point in time.
But this wasn't the test.
I realize now that this was a cram study session.
It was Saturday night when the exam was presented to me.
The monkey got a taste of the old life Friday and it wanted more.
The monkey caught me off guard and planted a seed in my mind... which took root and I could feel it start to grow.
There were events we could go to.
People to see.
Have some fun!
then you reached out to your old world...
Yes I did. And that is when the exam started.
The monkey flooded my mind with memories of the past. It was rattling the cage hard as it knew I was distracted.
As I contemplated my next move I put on some music... this was a bad idea as it just made me reminisce even more.
My skin started to itch.
I take Kismet out for a walk to get some cold air.
I can hear the monkey howl.
The sound echoes in my head and it gets louder.
My skin burns.
I try to stay focused on the walk when I feel the leash snap tight, as Kismet lurches towards an empty bag.
"Leave it!"
leave it...
I hear my own voice and remind myself of my experience last week.
Kismet darts at the bag again and I project my frustration onto her.
My head begins to hurt from the noise the monkey is making.
leave it...
Then the universe decides to send the monkey some reinforcements, as I get text messages
"Are you coming?"
"Do you need?"
"Where r u?"
Pictures from the various events are posted up on social media and I recognize people I have not connected with in a long time.
leave it...
"Need anything?"
"We miss you!"
"Come join us!"
The barrage does not stop.
They monkey senses weakness and turns up the volume.
I get Kismet home, I turn everything off and sit there in the silence.
what do you want...
I close my eyes, look into my heart and I whisper "I don't want to feel numb anymore."
The backlash from the monkey almost makes me puke.
"I'm not going back."
"I choose me!"
The monkey is pissed!
I double over as I feel my guts twist into a knot.
breathe...
Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.
I will make it to day 84.
#chasingbutterflies