reach out

Mental health, mental wellness, whatever you want to call it... it is real.

I thought is was a hoax until it affected me. So here I am writing down my thoughts after a 48 hour episode.

Waking up and just staring out the window with no desire to engage with the world. Day turns into night. I don't care what I am eating. I don't care about what needs to be done today.

All I want is this "feeling" to go away.

I express this as I now can feel the full extent of this emotional space I find myself in. I quit drinking so I can't escape by going out for a drink, or numb it out with substances.

I let myself process these emotions that come up. I feel sensations that I don't even know how to label. As the seconds tick by, I empathize with those that choose to get away from this space. To numb it out. To do anything but be stuck here.

My thoughts drift to my past. The evil cycle of "what if" begins, regret of oppourtunities lost, of moments that I let slip by.

I think to myself what my life could have been like.

This is a sickening game I know I can not win.

I am aware of this so I back away and do not engage.

I let the whispers drift away.

I let the illusions of alternate timelines fade.

What I can't shake is the feeling of sadness and loneliness that follows.

I talk about connection.

I teach connection.

I desire connection.

Yet I find myself isolating myself from the world. If it wasn't for my dog I would probably never go outside during this funk.

Understand that these words are coming from someone who is aware of the issues that come with social isolation. I know the accompanying issues of loneliness, depression, mental anguish. I know.

But it doesn't make me immune to it.

The work I have chosen to do is based off my own life experiences. My pain, suffering, healing, growth and transformation. But that doesn't make me perfect. It doesn't make me better than anyone. It just allows me to empathize with another and view things differently as I pull myself out of another hole.

In the past I would never have shared my thoughts with anyone.

I now feel no shame in sharing this. It did take me a while to gather up the courage and face my inner critic, but I believe good will come from expressing it.

How?

I ask that you check in with friends and family that you know will be single and alone during the next few weeks, as the holiday season is coming and it amplifies the feelings of Suck.

For me? As I walk my dog and I witness Christmas parties happen and wish to know what it would feel like to be part of it.

Peering through windows of restaurants and seeing people gathering, laughing, being... yet knowing I'm on the outside looking in.

An outsider.

Don't belong.

Alone.

What I describe sounds tragic, but the narrative that plays though my mind is much, much worse. And I also know I'm not the only one that goes through this vicious cycle.

Too many are hiding behind masks, putting on a face that says "I am A-OK!" and yet they are crumbling inside from the lack of human connection.

So please take a moment and reach out.

I invite you to not ask "How are you doing?" and replace it with "How are you feeling? Truly feeling?" and hold space for them and listen.

This costs nothing for us to give and it will help.

#chasingbutterflies