reflection

Now that Kismet is settling down when we go on a walk, I find myself with a lot of time to think and reflect on just about everything... because everything is being loaded into my mind.

I think about my present situation, then warp back to the distant past, I connect a dot, then come back to the present, connect another dot. Back and forth I go connecting dots and when enough dots connect a revelation happens.

Right now the topic we are focused on is the past version of myself. How I was, how I acted towards others, my thoughts, my actions, my decisions... all of these things which made me who I am today.

what do you see...

The same, but different.

As we walk onto the Cambie bridge this afternoon I was seeing, well more feeling, myself in my mid-20s.

A whole bunch of suppressed memories were uncovered. It was like I was watching a silent movie of myself, I can see the images but it was lifeless. Dead.

I cared for people but I didn't have the emotional component to go along with it.

what do you see...

A narcissist in pain.

Evolving without direction.

Figuring out how to survive.

That's what I see. That's what I feel.

The desire to connect with another, to find a safe space to let down my guard, to just be able to be.

what do you see...

Fear. Guilt. Shame.

Fear of rejection.

Guilt of not knowing how to express.

Shame of hearing that I don't deserve to be loved.

I look back at my younger self and I feel a lump grow in my throat, as I trigger all those dark emotions I swallowed back then to the present.

To connect.

To feel the simple touch from another.

Forbidden.

what do you see...

I see me on the outside looking in.

Standing outside in the darkness, looking through a window and watching the revelry, the smiles, the laughter.

Seeing the hugs, the connection, the love.

The desire to be part of this is so strong, but the only thing I can feel is the pain of not being able to.

Disappointment sets in.

I hear him let out a grieving sigh.

I see his head hung low as he turns around and walks back into the shadows.

Emotions are not bound by time.

I feel my heart ache now as it did back then.

I hear the whispers that slowly tear apart my self.

I close my eyes to stop this vision, but it doesn't go away.

what do you want...

I want to break these chains that bind me.

I want to be free of this space.

But I don't want to forget. No.

I did before. To forget my past.

I wanted to so badly that I tried to burn a hole in my brain, but I understand now.

The leash snaps tight behind me, I snap out of my trance, look back and see Kismet looking at me and I realize we are at the end of the bridge.

What felt like months, years even, happened in minutes.

I take in a breath.

Exhale.

And continue the walk on my path.

#chasingbutterflies