relapse

It's been 6 years since I limped home from that all night bender and looked at my reflection in the mirror.

It was bright and early.
As I stood in the bathroom and just looked at myself.
It was then I heard the words "I don't want to die..."

I don't want to die...

I made the decision then to start my journey to recovery, to healing myself and picking up all of the pieces I left behind.

6 years.

I have changed a lot in this time.
I have learned a lot in this time.
I have healed a lot in this time.

But tonight I relapsed on this "special day" and this also showed me how hard part of me is holding on to the life I want to leave.

The window of oppourtunity presented itself and I walked in.

I recognize the faces from my past, but as I watched the events unfold I could feel my awkwardness in that space. I just didn't fit in anymore.

didn't fit in anymore...

It was sad to see the world I once embraced now feel so strange. To be an observer and asking myself "Is this what I want?"

I glance down at my ginger ale and say "No", but a small part of me is still trying to make it work, trying to fit in, trying...

Trying...

In the end all I wanted to do was leave.

At that moment when I decided I rather be alone than stay in that space, I knew it was over.

That little part of me that was holding on finally lost its grip and I chose to leave.

I didn't berate myself for wasting time and the money spent tonight, as tonight's experience was a reminder of how far I have come and how much I have to go.

I know this won't be the last test I will face, but the next one will be different, as I don't care to walk back to that old space any more.

#chasingbutterflies