reunion

I arrived in Toronto this afternoon and looking forward to the Archangel Summit this weekend, as well a reconnecting with people that I met last year at the event.

I was doing some work online, when the thought to go find out if there is going to be a 30 year high school reunion popped into my mind.

I missed the 10 year, was on a roadtrip in the US when the 20 year happened. So off I went searching for information on the 30 year.

be careful what you wish for...

Some quick Google searching led me to a Facebook page for the Argyle Grad class of 1988. Success!

I scrolled down and saw the latest post, read it and felt a lump of sadness in my chest. The 30 year reunion is happening this weekend, the same day as the Archangel Summit.

My instant reaction was to reach out to a someone I know who is planning to attend, but I caught myself and decided not to.

what do you want...

As I scrolled down and took in the photos of my former classmates now 30 years older, I felt an old wound be touched. I felt a very familiar sensation spread through my body.

I feel like I don't belong.

In this exact moment I realized that my wish I always joked about came true.

I got to see how much they aged.

In a heartbeat I felt my stomach twist, as I felt no joy for becoming aware of this.

The wave of guilt and shame do not smother me, as I am a different person now, much different from the one that existed 30 years ago.

I continue to scroll through the photos, then took a moment to reflect and I realized I don't connect with anyone from back then.

what do you see...

From the outside looking in again, but this time the perspective is different as it feels very different.

I dove deep and found this old wound, then started tracing it back to see where it was born from and how it connects to this 30 year reunion.

Part of me was curious, wanted acknowledgement, wanted to be seen. These are old dysfunctional beliefs that I worked through, but when I looked deep into my heart I see that the want to go to this reunion is for all the wrong reasons.

Maybe this is why the universe never aligned me with when these reunions occurred, to prevent me from fulfilling that wish when I was still a tortured soul.

As I ponder this, I admit to myself that I never made it a priority to connect with anyone from back then.

what do you want...

All of this is an afterthought.

I never really wanted to go to this reunion, because if I did I would have made an effort and not just have it pop up into my mind now.

To close this wound, I acknowledge my past and let it go.

I decided a year ago that I'm coming back to Archangel.

I am here to connect with my tribe.

#chasingbutterflies