seven years

My iphone is constantly complaining it is running low on storage space, so I decide to clear off a bunch of music to resolve the problem.

Then I decide to see what else is taking up space. The messaging app is eating up 1Gb of storage, so I launch it and without thinking I scroll down to the last message.

This message was sent to multiple people and read "She said yes!"

It was dated April 9, 2011.

That was the day I proposed to my girlfriend at the time.

This caught me by surprise and I was in a bit of shock as I relived a whole bunch of my past in a split second.

the good...
the bad...
the ugly...

As I took in a breath I could feel my heart sink as I jumped back in time.

emotions are not bound by time...

No they are not. And now I can feel the full impact of them.

As a reflect back on how the relationship started to unravel right after that special moment, I feel guilt, shame and other dark emotions start to seep in from the depths of my mind.

a crack started to form...

I see my younger self, my heart aches with compassion as I know how much pain he carried while running away from so many demons.

A total control freak, he couldn't comprehend how his world began to come apart and there was nothing he could do to stop it. The questions, the looks from others, the shame of not being able to make it work.

The pressure to succeed, the obsession to "be someone", the juggling of everything just so he would not be viewed as a failure.

you believe you failed...
yourself...
all of us...

I see him drown himself with alcohol to numb the emotional fallout. Then when the pressure finally broke him down, I watch the path of destruction he blazed as he couldn't face the world anymore. He just didn't want to feel anymore.

it all came crashing down...

I just didn't understand back then, that nothing external could ever fill the emptiness that spread like a cancer inside of me.

Looking back I am surprised we survived at all.

survived...
you weren't even living...
always focused on tomorrow...

The waves of memories and old emotions hit non-stop.
My head hurts from the mental fatigue.
Then I remember that I can choose.

awareness... choice...

And get different results.

I choose to stop this vicious cycle formed from reliving the past.
I used to run away from my demons.
Now I choose to face my shadow and embrace it.

For it is part of me.
There is no more need to run.
There is no more need to hide.

what do you want...

I choose you.
I choose me.

#chasingbutterflies

alt