the impossible task

It's been a crazy two weeks since I was tasked with finding a space that has been hidden deep within me.

I do not know why I had expectations of what this process would be like. I had ideas of me raging like The Hulk, curled up in a fetal position and then paralyzed by emotions.

But none of this happened. Not yet anyway.

This deep work has been quite challenging as I'm not sure what to do, how to do it and I start wondering if I'm doing it wrong.

Yeah.
That was my mistake.
I was trying to think my way through this.

When I should have been disconnecting from my brain and reconnecting to my heart.

But I did find something when I made some adjustments and got out of my head.
I saw something too.
I became aware of a voice.

It was very faint, but it was in a lot of pain.
It was also very angry and upset.
I felt its pain and it brought me to tears.

A few days later I went for a dive and drifted towards that voice.

What I saw crushed me.

I saw me.

It was a 12 year old version of me, his face twisted in despair and going mad trying to fulfill his impossible task.

What is this impossible task? Well it is comprised of 3 statements.

• If I create something so beautiful, then I will be deserving of love.
• If I don’t get love, then whatever I created just isn’t good enough. So I have to create something even better!
• Mother always said whatever I do was not good enough.

He was trapped in a vicious cycle that he did not know he could not break. Not with the understanding he had at that age.

please just take it!
please accept it!
I just want to go... I don't want to be here anymore...

His cries were heart wrenching as I watched with so much compassion, knowing that I did this to him.
I connected deeply to his pain, as all he wanted was to be loved.
As the tears flooded my eyes I lost sight of him.

I heard his voice fade.
I went to go look at myself in the mirror.
As I peered into my eyes I whisper...

I'm coming for you.

#chasingbutterflies