this old space

My coach said these words to me: “Once you are made aware of something, you can never be made unaware of it.”

Last night these words hit hard as I realized I missed my puppy.

Kismet has been in my life for all of 2 months, but she already had a profound impact. I can feel it.

Last weekend I decided I needed to get some work done, so my sister agreed to take care of Kismet for a couple of days so I can be distraction free. I got so much done in those 2 days that I asked if she can take care of Kismet for a few more days, so I can plow through some more work.

My request seemed innocent enough until the evening the 4th day, which was a Thursday, when I realized what was going on. Life is teaching me about contrast again.

I’ve been so preoccupied with raising and training Kismet, that I unknowingly put myself into a new bubble, in a new space.

I really like this new space! I’m learning lots about her, about myself, about patience, humanity and compassion. I see this old world with new eyes, just like she is.

Now that bubble is gone.

Now I am back in my old space.

Now I am aware of how much it sucks.

I miss hearing the "crunch, crunch, crunch" when I watch her eat.

I miss seeing her poke her head around the corner when I'm washing the dishes.

I miss...

Yesterday was the 5th day… a Friday.

I came home for a great day cutting up fresh powder on the local mountain, open the door and my eyes go to the towel I laid out on Tuesday, when I originally planned to pick her up. I look away and dismiss this, but then the whispers began and I kept looking back at that towel.

I made a New Year resolution to quit drinking as to not let the monkey out of the cage. It’s been tough as so much of my life has been designed around eating, drinking and nightlife… so Kismet has been a blessing as she is an option to do something else.

But now she isn’t here.

The monkey knows this.

The whispers get louder.

I find myself sitting in my sterile home, burning off hours reflecting on my decisions, my mistakes. The new heartbeat that gave me life is not here. I am back to the way it was.

how the hell did you live like this for so long?

I don't know? I just did as I didn't know any other way. Yeah... it's a lame answer but it's true.

The desire to go have a drink itches, then it burns. I go for a walk to get out of this empty space and then find myself wandering the aisles of a supermarket looking at junk food. I quickly walk out of there.

I don’t want to fall.

I don’t want to go back to that dark place.

But the monkey is relentless.

As I stand in the cool rain I am flooded with old emotions, then the soothing feeling of being numb.

The mind is a vicious thing when the monkey wants its way by painting non-stop images, torturing me with my old memories.

I almost broke down, when I became aware that I get Kismet back tomorrow. I just have to to pass this test by making it through tonight.

I walk into a Timmies to get a coffee and I’m so lost in my thoughts, that I wasn’t aware that this guy was talking to me.

me: sorry... I didn’t hear what you said?

him: spare some change? I’m short $0.80 for a hot chocolate.

me: umm… I’ll just get you one.

As I looked at him I am reminded of being visible, being heard, being helped, being human.

This simple act snapped me out of my vicious thought cycle and I remind myself of how Kismet interacts with everyone, unconditionally, when we go on a walk.

the joy that she brings into this world...

These memories of her make me crack a smile. I hand the hot drink to the guy, head home and wait for Saturday to come.

#chasingbutterflies